Match report

IVVC’s second game of the season once again saw proceedings commence under cloudy skies, as we headed round the ring road to play local publishers Wiley-Blackwell. With opposition captain Eckley winning the toss and putting IVCC in to bat, a new opening partnership was chosen, as Meier dropped down the order to try to find some form. Reminiscent of England’s fine Captain Cook, Cable-Alexander certainly has the doe-eyed enthusiasm of this nation’s somewhat maligned skipper, not to mention a fettered devotion to Gray-Nicolls willow, and in the early stages he caressed the ball around the woefully overgrown outfield with ease. Accompanied by Bjorn ‘The Anaesthetist’ Pederson, the two started strongly, as the opposition decided to keep their best bowler, IVCC’s very own playboy sexpest Jonny Gifford, in the locker for later.

With more grass on the wicket than a 70s porn star, the bounce was uneven and unpredictable, and our openers started to find things a little sticky and struggled to locate the boundary. Pederson continued his fine form for IVCC and kept the scoreboard ticking over just enough. Perhaps too keen to keep things moving, the Aussie did eventually feather an edge through to the keeper, but had added 25 valuable runs to the total. Pederson has proved to be an invaluable member of the side and how we will miss him when he decides to take his extraordinary underarm throws with him back Down Under at the end of the summer, hopefully minus a small urn too.

This brought Ross to the middle, keen to get some time at the crease under his belt after his brief stint in the previous game against Long Compton. However, Ross too found the conditions somewhat testing and struggled for fluidity, picking up singles with a selection of carefully placed edges and well-controlled Chinese cuts. As the runs dried up, it wasn’t long before a rank delivery kept low and glanced off FC-A’s stumps like a jab from Mayweather glancing off the chin of the plucky but fruitless Pacquiao, for 19.

Ross, with one eye on his batting average, was joined in the middle by newcomer Walden-Jones, reuniting the two Radley boys in a competitive arena not seen since the two did battle on the dancefloor at Inferno’s in 2007. For the writer, this sight harked back to their earlier years at school, just with a bit more padding around the middle and a little less hair on top. Still, the two batted together well, with Walden-Jones keeping the scoreboard ticking over enough to allow his partner time to locate the middle of the bat, which until this point had been mysteriously absent. The pair eventually accelerated hard before the double-barrelled ruffian from Surbiton holed out to Gifford for 17 valuable runs.

With the skipper tied up in the scorebook, the self-promoted (much to the skipper’s chagrin, apparently) Meier pranced to the wicket with all the masculinity of Hermione Granger, but with considerable less skill with a stick in his hand (allegedly). A couple of fluent-ish strokes later, including one glorious on-drive to the boundary, the Gryffindor Chairman aimed an ugly swipe at a straight one and rode his newly-purchased broomstick back to Hogwarts for 9. As the skies continued to bruise, a ray of Moroccan sunset in the form of flame-haired skipper, Smith, jiggled its way to the middle to biff a quick-fire 7* in a final-over cameo, with IVCC’s total a respectable 124–4 off 20 overs. Ross ended up unbeaten on 36*, including a colossal six in the final over, and with his average very much improved; a fine knock in tricky conditions.

With his years of experience telling him that weighty balls on a tufty knoll can often result in something quite tremendous, our wily (natch) skipper Smith opted to open with the spin bowling of Dan Bibb, who had put in such a strong performance in the previous game. This paid immediate dividends as Bibb first had their opener, the comedian Jason Manford, trapped plumb LBW, had their #3 caught and bowled for a duck, their #4 also bowled for a duck, and had their other opener bowled for 15 soon after. Bibb returned impressive figures of 4–10 off 4. Not so funny now, eh Manford? With Smith keeping the batsmen, and new wicket-keeper Cavanagh, honest at the other end, it soon became clear that a W for IVCC was very much on the cards.

First change bowler, Dickie Tyler, was brought into the attack as Wiley sought to bring some respectability to their score. With Wiley’s two star stormtroopers, Asif and Gifford, now occupying the crease, this was the time for the Wiley Empire to Strike Back if ever there was one. In an unusual gambit, Smith tossed the ball to Watkins to tie up the other end. With all the bowling nous of a Wampa from the planet of Hoth, Watkins shrewdly brought Wiley back in the game with a succession of cleverly-placed wides, grenade-esque no-balls, and Scud-missile beamers, in what has been IVCC’s longest over to date, to offer the opposition a faint glimmer of A New Hope (Watkins 0–14 off 1, with a miserly 13 extras). With this writer stretching the Star Wars metaphor even further to allude to Tyler’s passing resemblance to the hulking Chewbacca, the Return of the Wiley was snaffled out by the chain-smoking Wookie as both Gifford and Asif holed out to mid-off, where Cable-Alexander, who had decided to leave his high heels at home, safely took both catches (Tyler 3–15 off 4).

With Walden-Jones (0–6 off 2), Ross (0–6 off 3), Meier (1–10 off 2) and Cable-Alexander (0–8 off 1) all enjoying some time turning their arms over, ably supported by superb fielding from Taylor and keeper Cavanagh in particular, the Wiley innings spluttered to a damp squib as a famous first victory for the tireless IVCC was recorded. Mark this moment in history, ladies and gentlemen: IVCC is well and truly in business.

Ali Meier Chairman, IVCC 29 May 2015