Match report

We don’t like cricket

The most gorgeous canvas awaited the IVCCers this past weekend as if Mother Nature herself was an avid follower of the game and she had painted up the perfect setting for IVCCs annual grudge match against skipper Smith’s former charges. Welcoming us to the big, bountiful bosom of Bloxham were our generous hosts Mr and Mrs Irvine for our final ever game at this glorious location. Nick and Nuala are sadly relinquishing their keys to the boarding house (and cricket pitch) in a few weeks after 15 years’ service to the school. I am sure their presence will be sorely missed, and IVCC will most definitely miss not just the opportunity to play in such a wonderful locale, but also the tremendous warmth and generosity they have both shown us all in allowing us to host this fixture here this year and in years past. A massive thank you to both of them from all at IVCC, and we wish them well as they pad up for their second innings.

And so, to cricket. With the opposition numbering only eight, IVCC came armed with a few extra players to make a game of it. As there were no volunteers to defect (a good sign, surely?), Chairman Meier took responsibility for pulling the names out of the hat and promptly drew Tyler’s name and then his own, much to the mirth of his supposed teammates. With introductions hastily made, and with the sniggers of their temporarily former teammates in their ears, Dickie and Ali took to the field as honorary Jammers for the day, with both teams numbering 10.

Walden-Jones once again made the long journey up from Surbiton to feature for his adopted IVCC, and was rewarded with the spot alongside regular opener Cable-Alexander, forming a formidable double-barrelled opening partnership that would trouble even the most conscientious of scorers. With Jammers skipper Watts’ first ball classily guided down behind square on the leg side for 2, the stage looked set for WJ to plunder some big runs. However, the blonde Suburbitonianite hadn’t reckoned on the previous night’s hangover failing to abate, and he fell in the second over to the other Jammers opening bowler whose name remains unclear from the blurry photos of the scorebook provided by the skipper to this match report writer, but could be Steen (?). Regardless, WJ’s bottom edge through to the keeper was an early warning that there wasn’t much life in this wicket and the ball continued this trend of keeping low throughout the day.

Cable-Alexander’s innings at the other end was a curious mixture of gifted opportunities to the Jammers to take his wicket (often politely refused) followed up with glorious cover drives the likes of which would turn 2005-era Michael Vaughan green with envy. He was joined in the middle by Pedersen, and the Anaesthetist wasted no time in injecting (geddit?) his trademark fluency and careful deconstruction of bowling units across middle England into IVCC’s precarious innings. What followed was a steady period of attrition as the tight line of the Jammers’ pair kept the IVCC batsmen honest and watchful – defending stoutly against the good balls, but also caressing the bad balls to the boundary when required. It was only a change in bowling that brought the breakthrough that the Jammers needed, just as FCA looked set to fill the boots left by the absent Ross and post a decent score.

Perhaps it was fate that drew Dickie Tyler’s name out of the hat that day, perhaps it was the will of the God Almighty Himself, we will probably never know. What we do know is that FCA struggles against the slower-paced bowlers, and the Jammers’ captain’s decision to toss the ball to the hulking colossus that is Richard P. Tyler, owner of the fine IVCC figures of 3 for 15 from a previous game, proved to be an astute move, and FCA was soon back in the hutch for 19 as he played all round a low straight one. This brought veteran Morton to the crease. Despite being involved in the Medium-Sized Bang creation of this fine club when it was nothing more than a whisper around the hallowed backstreets of OX4, this was Morton’s debut. Having shown destructive batting ability in the nets, he was surprisingly watchful in his first few overs, and rightfully respectful of Tyler’s tight line. He soon relaxed into his stride however, and both he and Pedersen accelerated the score with relative ease, as Jammer bowlers Watts, He Who Cannot Be Named Steen with Much Confidence, Tyler, Sudlow, and Robinson struggled to contain the batsmen’s natural aggression.

With the big bushes at the wood end taking a hammering (please remove your minds from the gutter, gentlemen), respite was provided by Pedersen’s retirement on 58 after another faultless display of sub-Continent batting. This brought Winter to the crease for his first appearance in the blue, yellow and red colours in 2015. Having shown swashbuckling form in the nets during the warm-up, Winter’s innings was surprisingly frigid as he struggled to penetrate any openings in the field and, notwithstanding some flashes to fluency, perished for a bleak 14 after being bowled by another that kept low, this time by Jammer’s confident joker-in-the-pack, Dirty Eddie (there’s a toilet incident that relates to this nickname that this writer shall refrain from sullying the virtuous pages of IVCC’s website with). With a fag in one hand and a Strongbow in the other, Dirty Eddie’s athleticism was clear for all to see, and he continued to probe the IVCC batsmen’s off stumps with unerring accuracy.

Taylor, not to be confused with Tyler, arrived at the crease after a run of bad luck that has seen him run out on numerous occasions; either at the fault of his dodgy footwear, his reluctance to run his bat in, or Chairman Meier’s desire to ensure he is run out. After a nervy few balls, the MortgageMan then creamed one to the legside boundary that had the loyal IVCC followers howling with delight on the sidelines. His next boundary was something special and deserves a few sentences in this report so that it may be immortalised forever. After a long afternoon toiling in the sunshine, no one can blame the bowler for having slightly clammy, moist hands. As such, the odd ball is bound to slip out of the hand at the wrong time, and sure enough Endersby let loose with an accidental beamer headed right for Taylor’s nonce. Unbeknownst to his teammates, wife or children, Taylor is a keen tennis player and avid follower of Serena Williams’ career and technique. Seeing an opportunity to warm up for the upcoming Wimbledon tournament, Taylor took the bat in his right hand and thumped down what appeared to be an ace straight from the Williams’ back catalogue from SW19. The Jammers watched in amazement as it raced to the boundary, clearly the shot of the day and one for Taylor to savour for years to come. He was LBW very shortly after, for a swift 9 by Endersby, but these are merely minor details that will be lost in the pantheon of history, but the memory of the shot will live on forever.

With Morton clean bowled by Dirty Eddie for a superb 45, and with skipper Smith being his usual industrious self at one end (36*), the swift departure of Cavanagh for 1, and Watkins for a Golden Duck (fines!), brought Troth to the middle for the final ball, but the score didn’t advance, and IVCC finished on a highly respectable 217–7 off 30 overs; the pick of the Jammers bowlers was, of course, Dirty Eddie with 3 for 39 off 5 overs.

With the changeover came lunch, and with that both teams retired to the back garden for a sumptuous feast provided by the wonderful WAGS of IVCC (AKA the IVWI). A huge thank you to these luscious ladies in their unfailing support of the IVCC project from the beginning, and for the incredible spread they put on for their athletic lovers and the opposition. With bellies full, IVCC took to the field to run off that extra slice of lemon drizzle cake and seek their second win of the season.

Meier politely refused the offer to open for the Jammers for fear that his defensive batting would do more damage to the Jammy innings than the millionaire’s shortbread was doing to his arteries, and so skipper Watts opened alongside Lee against IVCC opening pair of Walden-Jones and Troth, with Troth making his first appearance since coming back from injury.

WJ wasted no time in shivering Lee’s timbers, to bring Steen in to join his skipper. Troth’s second over proved to be particularly expensive, and even though he followed that up with a maiden, and with WJ bowling well the other end, Jam & Marmalade CC ominously accelerated above the required run-rate pretty quickly. Things didn’t improve much when Morton’s gentle spin was called upon and both Watts and Steen retired with 50s to their name. This brought Wright and defector Meier together in the middle. Sharing both a predilection for badly injured knees, as well as handsome good looks, a solid partnership looked to be on the cards, before Wright called for a suicidal run having hit the ball straight to Walden-Jones at mid-on. With Meier wishing to continue his form for running people out, he sent Wright back and he was duly run out for just 1 – a beautiful partnership cut down in its prime.

As the setting sun cast long shadows across the hallowed turf, Meier showed unusual fluidity with his batting and continued to eke out singles from overs from Morton (0 for 46 off 6), Pedersen and Smith alongside the odd boundary, but found little support up the other end. With skipper Smith wishing to keep Meier in to slow the run-rate, little did he realise that the little Chairman was cleverly sabotaging the Jammers’ innings from the inside – telling all the batsmen who came to join him the middle that this was in fact a 40-over game and they had plenty of time. With Pedersen showing his usual unimpeachable accuracy and bowling Endersby for 1 and Pedro for 4, the sweet stench of success wafted across skipper Smith’s nostrils like the effluvium from this weekend’s Glastonbury toilets. He quickly destroyed Sudlow’s wicket for 10 and did the very same to Dickie Tyler’s when he sauntered in at number 9 (Smith ending up with 2 for 27 off 5). Hockley at 10 was caught off Pedersen for 4 which brought Watts back in to join Meier. With quick runs needed, Watts proceeded to hit a few boundaries before calling Meier through for a desperate second run leaving him halfway down the track and Smith the easy job of running him out – a taste of his own medicine for Meier, perhaps.

Steen rejoined Watts in the middle as they looked to hit out to try to reach the total. Pedersen soon had Watts bowled for a sparkling 68 to end with figures of 4 for 37 off 5.2 overs, and with IVCC gaining revenge for their trouncing by the Jammers two years’ previous, with victory by 28 runs. A fantastic performance in the field, with a hard day’s labour particularly for ‘keeper Cav, and Winter, Watkins and Taylor as they patrolled the long on boundaries. Taylor in particular deserves a mention for managing to throw the ball back over his head and over the wall from the boundary. A spectacular feat and one which will no doubt result in some heavy fines at the next general meeting.

A second win for IVCC and the squad saunters towards our next fixture with confidence rippling through their veins and the sound of 10cc’s ‘Dreadlock Holiday’ ringing in their ears. We don’t like cricket, we love it.

Ali Meier Chairman, IVCC 29th June 2016