Match report

Cricket Was the Winner (But IVCC Lost)

New friends St John Fishers Cricket Club, on tour from St Albans, enjoyed a touching stay at The Nanford Guest House in Oxford (a notoriously family-friendly B&B) before arriving in Appleton for the second of 3 fixtures in 3 days. With the outfield freshly mowed that morning, and clear blue skies above, the scene was set up for a fine day of cricket.

Champion tosser Cable-Alexander took a walk to the middle with the opposing captain, but lost the coin-flip and the visitors chose to bat first and make us toil in the midday sun. Troth took the ball from the pavilion end and found decent line early on. Smith started at the sewage works end and tested new keeper Ben Davis with a few lively ones down legside, before settling into a decent rhythm and proving that, when he gets it right, he can be very difficult to score off. The SJF openers were watchful at first as they played themselves in, before slowly starting to attack as our bowlers tired quickly in the Mediterranean heat.

IVCC’s newest Antipodean, Sam Conway – as chirpy as you’d expect an Aussie to be in the field – replaced Smith and despite not having bowled for some years, was right on the money from the off with his medium pacers beating the bat on a number of occasions. Up t’other end, it wasn’t long before Smith called upon the Wookie for some delicate spin to try to make the breakthrough. Despite a torrid first over, Tyler dug deep and bowled beautifully to stifle the opposition’s steadily rising run rate.

However, the SJF openers stuck to their task with admirable aplomb and the score continued to creep up. Meier has an uncanny knack of taking wickets in his first over, and so it proved for the third time this season as a straight one bowled opener Keith through the gate for 12. The new batsman was rather more pensive at the wicket, so much so that his opening partner Walmsley politely suggested that perhaps he should try batting right handed instead. He played out numerous dot balls before falling LBW to Meier for just 2, and IVCC were slowly making inroads into the SJF batting lineup.

Matty Law and new boy Ross Upton-Girl were the next pair of bowlers to try their arm and both started well: Law starting with a maiden despite his beard, and Billy Joel picking up the valuable wicket of opener Walmsley for a well-crafted and stylish 51. New batsman Watson – a cocky Saffer (surely not!) with a keen eye – wasn’t going to die wondering, displaying some clean and powerful hitting to consistently find the boundary ropes and increase the pressure on the IVCC bowlers. With the sun at its highest in the sky, and no shade whatsoever, conditions were brutal and unrelenting. There was nowhere to hide in the outfield, but the IVCC gentlemen stuck to their task admirably, consistently putting their bodies on the line to save one run here, and two runs there – every run valued like gold dust. It was this pressure that resulted in Upton (he’s never had a backstreet guy, I bet his momma never told him why) and Meier combining to run out Hoskins for just 5. With Watson dispatching Tim Ellis’ first ball for a huge leg-side six, IVCC were rather glad to see him retire for an impressive quickfire 61. IVCC’s answer to Batman and Robin, dynamic duo Smith and Troth returned and were both quickly back in the action – Smith clean bowling Gold for 18, and Troth forcing Herbert to aim a catch straight into the safe hands of Ellis (proving to be a worthy and popular replacement for his older brother, Garr). Youngster Hargreaves and fatherly stalwart Nurse saw the SJF innings to a close on a very competitive 220-4.

With coronation chicken baps and sausage rolls freshly augmenting their ever-expanding waistlines, familiar opening couple Cable-Alexander and Meier hustled to the middle with all the grace and elegance of a bulldog trying to lick clean its own testicles. SJF’s opening bowler Warren was accurate from the get-go, her consistently accurate outswingers caused trouble for the IVCC batsmen all day, with FCA being the first to succumb – spooning a catch to mid-off for a 3-ball duck. Speaking as one who knows, it can be a very long walk back to the pavilion when you’re out so quickly. Though IVCC does not deal in sympathy, our collective hearts go out not to Fergus himself, but to his parents Paddy and Jane who turned up to watch their son bat but, having arrived an over into the IVCC innings, instead had to settle for his no doubt grumpy company on the sidelines instead. I bet they wished they’d stayed at home.

Meier was joined by Conway, whose lusty blows rekindled memories of our gone-but-not-forgotten Australian Bjorn Pederson, before Warren had him caught too to leave the Village at 25–2. Twenty20 specialist Davis, a man who had never played a longer format innings before, quickly dispatched Warren to the boundary before she clean bowled him for just 6, and IVCC were 39–3. Promoted up the order, Taylor was watchful at first, with some solid blocks against the accurate Warren, but was bowled for a duck by a Nurse off-break from the other end.

Reeling at 40–4, it was important that the Village try to retain wickets and avoid an embarrassing defeat and it fell to Meier to try to calm new batsman Law who was aiming some vigorous swipes at anything and everything. With loyal girlfriend Penny the sole IVCC supporter on the boundary ropes, Law started to play well and it was unfortunate to then see him get bowled by the young quick Hargreaves for just 4. At 50¬–5, IVCC were well and truly in the shit. Some say that there are only two certainties in life: death, and taxes. I’d like to proffer a third, if I may, and that is that the skipper will get runs, no matter what the situation. Gloriously absent from the ever-expanding Club Zero list on the club’s website, the Mustard Man himself hustled to the middle, marked his guard with that all-too-familiar bum wiggle, and wafted airily at a wide one first ball. Cometh the hour, cometh the ginger.

What followed was a long period of attrition as, for the second time in a week, Smith and Meier were called upon to spare blushes: Strong and Stable, boys. Strong and Stable. Blocking and patting back anything that was straight, but taking aim at anything wide, the gentlemen slowly brought the score up to 3 figures and with it at least a faint air of respectability. With Smith taking the leading role and Meier happy to nurdle singles to get the skipper on strike, complete humiliation was avoided and the score started to creep up. With both batsmen starting to time the ball perfectly, Meier notched up his second IVCC 50, and Smith wasn’t far behind either (one suspects his strike rate was the more impressive of the two…).

As 200 approached, and as our team diminished on the sidelines, the two batsmen dared to dream that something that seemed impossible at 50–5, might actually, astonishingly, be on the cards. With aging veteran Meier – the Darren ‘Sicknote’ Anderton of the Village – suffering from cramp in every orifice, Smith took devilish delight in consistently pushing him for the quick singles. Young paceman Hargreaves was quick, but by this time the two batsmen were seeing it like a beachball, and Meier caressed him to the boundary twice in succession before wearily missing a straight one and getting bowled for a heroic 72.

With work still to do but desperately running out of batsmen, Ellis’ brief stay at the crease failed to trouble the scorers. Troth at 9 is a predictable sight: a man who revels in regular red inkers at the end of an innings. Not today though, sauntering through for a second but not really running his bat in saw him run out for just 4. Not that umpire Taylor gave any indication of him being out – apparently more concerned with whether his beer was going to get knocked over, and quite right too. With Upton-Funk and Tyler having made early departures for a rectal exam and a sperm donation appointment respectively, Cable-Alexander (yes, he of the 3-ball duck fame – see above) was allowed back to the middle to restore some personal pride, and try to win the game for the gentlemen of Iffley Village. With Cable Alexander on 14* and an outstanding knock of 65* from Smith, unfortunately 220 proved just a touch too far, and we ended the 40 overs on 206–8. A valiant effort in very testing conditions against a strong side.

We thank our visitors St John Fishers for a fine game played in good humour, and hope that a return fixture or tour can be organised next year.

– “To me, it doesn’t matter how good you are. Sport is all about playing and competing. Whatever you do in cricket and in sport, enjoy it, be positive, and try to win” (Sir Ian Botham)

Ali Meier IVCC Chairman 20 June 2017