Match report

Despite Arctic conditions, the Club’s opening fixture against new opposition Sunningwell CC went ahead this Sunday. With Taylor delayed in Herefordshire, skipper Smith (fresh from destroying the pavilion toilet with a torrent of putrid abuse) agreed with the opposition that IVCC would bat first, so regular opener Meier and veteran Mark Law ambled to the middle with all the athleticism of Little Britain’s Andy and Lou. With 12 operations on their knees between them, it was clear that this aging pair wouldn’t be pushing hard for any quick singles. Left-armer Harris opened from the pavilion end and Law was desperately lucky not to be bowled first ball. The Chairman had cleverly organised our pre-season nets sessions to take place on super bouncy indoor pitches, so we were well prepared for a pitch that was still soggy and where bounce was pretty much non-existent, and so it was that Law’s luck run out the very next ball when a beauty clipped his off stump. 0–1, a strong start for the Village. In the third over, the Village were reduced to 1–2 when Meier received a jaffa, pitching on leg and clipping off in similar fashion to Law’s dismissal.

There was brief respite as mouthy Antipodean Conway and powerlifter Ellis (G), looked to rebuild. Conway doesn’t seem to have a defensive shot in his locker, but that didn’t matter as he scored his first runs with a massive 6 back over the bowler’s head. Garr was typically more watchful, scorings 1s and 2s before he was outdone by their spinner and stumped by the keeper – his brother Tim Ellis only too happy to give him the finger from his position as square leg umpire.

After some lusty blows to various parts of the outfield, 23–3 became 39–4 when Conway was caught behind for a decent 22. Big Tonya Harding and Daylight were our next pairing – both big hitters themselves, and boy did the Village need them to find the boundary today. Harding and Conway come from the same ‘try to whack the shit out of every ball’ school of batting, and Tonya was keen to test the opposition under the high ball, riding his luck several times as cold fingers couldn’t clasp on to moist leather. Bobby Boundaries, fresh from an impressive 7km race at Blenheim Palace that very morning, was uncharacteristically watchful first up, as IVCC’s answer to the A-Team’s Templeton ‘Face’ Peck (Harding) and ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock (Berry) looked to consolidate. It came as a surprise to no one when Harding was finally caught for 12, with Daylight being bowled from another one that kept low not long after for just 7.

It seemed that usual service would resume with a captain’s innings required from Smith (I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve written that in a match report!), but despite some typically busy and quick singles, Smith was caught at point off one of the youngsters for a lowly 7. To be fair to the skipper, the balls being bowled by the two youngsters were difficult to play, what with having both a low trajectory and barely lifting off the turf at all when pitching. A cameo of 5 from Troth, with Dickie T renewing his membership to Club Zero, and with Taylor still cruising down the M40, IVCC were stranded on a meagre 79–9. Looking to make a game of it, the opposition captain kindly offered us full use of the 30 overs, and so Meier came out again to bat in place of Taylor and he and Ellis looked to push the Village into 3 figures and at least gain an air of respectability.

The younger Ellis, however, didn’t seem too flustered and he played probably his finest innings in IVCC colours to date, contributing a magnificent top score of 27 before being caught. That none of his 27 runs came from boundaries helps illustrate how difficult it was to find the rope, with a slow, wet outfield causing normally boundary-destined shots to plug up in the outfield. Law and Meier both took the opportunity to bring some respectability to their scores, and with confidence-boosting words of encouragement by Conway from the warm confines of the pavilion ringing in their ears, Meier finished on 22 (including his first 6 for IVCC in 4 seasons) and Law on 10 as IVCC closed on 129 all out off their 30.

After a decent tea of sandwiches, sausage rolls, mini sausages, mini rolls and crisps cunningly disguised as pasta, the Villagers put on as many layers as they could and took to the field under grey skies and with an icy breeze flowing in from the north. Dickie Tyler was first up from the pavilion end and was unerringly accurate from the off. IVCC’s answer to Schwarzenegger started up the hill from the road end and he took no time at all in consistently beating the bat and recording two maidens from his first two overs. With Sunningwell taking just 27 runs from the first 9 overs, the Villagers dared to believe that they might be able to rescue something from this game.

Cricket cane be a cruel mistress at times. G. Ellis bowled beautifully and deserved a wicket, but it was his replacement, Meier, who finally made the breakthrough, forcing the batsman to loop one up into the grateful paws of the Wookie, and IVCC were in business. But Meier wasn’t cheap for his 1 wicket (1 for 18 off 3) and with Troth struggling for line and length (including one beamer hitting the batsman on the helmet) at the other end, the Sunningwell total steadily grew and grew. Taylor, who cleverly arrived just in time for tea, was up next to bowl his first overs in anger since 2016. Beguilingly mixing excessive flight with no flight, the handsome Taylor nearly took a wicket in his first few balls, but he was unlucky when the opposition’s best batsman opened up and sent him sailing back over his head and into a neighbour’s garden for a huge 6. He was also unlucky to see one full toss dispatched behind square and hit the bowler’s very own car beyond the boundary ropes. Tim Ellis, who had been performing heroics in the field as the ball seemed to follow him everywhere (his high-pitched “stop hitting the ball at me!” plea being one of the few comic highlights of the afternoon on a cold and otherwise difficult afternoon in the field for the Villagers), was similarly unlucky with his opening over – the first ball going for a maximum, the second a one-bounce 4, and the fourth another 6.

Harding – with ne’er a hair out of place on his head, his features as if chiselled from granite by God himself, a body taut with rippling muscles and 3% body fat, but an admittedly tiny penis, and with his customary black trainers on (“I have bought some white ones, honest guvnor”) – was controlled and tight from the pavilion end when he replaced the luckless Troth. With representatives of Her Majesty’s finest bowling from each end (the ‘Po-Po Duo’ moniker sadly didn’t gain traction), Harding was the one to make the next breakthrough, trapping their no. 3 Harris LBW for 15. But with opener Lovell and wicketkeeper Whenfrey releasing the shackles and regularly finding the boundary with ease, no one noticed that they had long since passed the IVCC score and the game came to a rather abrupt end following just the one Smith over.

On our day, this was a side we could have beaten comfortably, but the fact that the opposition had games under their belt already this season clearly showed as the Village looked woefully short of match practice. With a couple of weeks for weary bones to recover before the next game, we must look to find form quickly and avenge our thrashing at Islip last season.

Man of the Match: Tim Ellis.

Ali Meier IVCC Chairman 01/03/2018