Match report

Do you ever get those days where everything goes right? Where you wake up and it feels like you are just winning at life? Perhaps the wife rolls over and decides it's time to dust off her bi-annual wrist spin. Perhaps the children have taken themselves downstairs and made themselves breakfast, allowing you a rare-as-unicron-shit lie-in. Perhaps you've woken up and Brexit isn't happening, that Trump isn't the most powerful man in the Universe, that Jordan Henderson really isn't the best England midfielder we can take to the World Cup, and it's all been just one horrible fucking nightmare. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this was definitely NOT one of those days.

As a scratch IVCC side gathered at the familiar Appleton ground, it became clear that today we were woefully short of frontline bowlers. With Watkins refusing to acknowledge he was down to play by cleverly ignoring all of the skipper's email, phone calls and texts, a team that was already down to 10 was down to 9 before a ball was even bowled. A rather ominous start. Further ominousness-ness abounded as skipper-for-the-day Cable-Alexander-III lost the toss. Despite this, the Villagers took to the field with their customary gusto and world-famous vigour, and a few gifted fielders from the opposition.

2018 leading wicket taker Tim Ellis* took the new ball from the Pavillion End and after a tricky start soon settled into a tidy rhythm. New boy Nick Brown, a young whippersnapper that Meier picked up in Cumnor, opened from the Sewage End. Steaming in at a pace not seen since the chiseled features of J. Gifford graced the Village with his presence, the two opening bowlers worked in tandem, with one leaking runs and the other not leaking runs. Well, initially. Once the Fishy opening batsmen got into their stride, they were hitting the ball with power and regularly found the boundary from both bowlers, particularly over long-off and long-on.

To say that this was a vintage fielding performance would be akin to saying Hitler loved to celebrate Hannukah or that Tony Blair definitely was not a war criminal. It would be lies. The Fisher openers were good batsmen without being great, and so regularly gave chances to take their wickets throughout the innings. In all, conservative estimates puts the total dropped catches at a paltry 9 this afternoon. Less vintage and more £2.99 Lambrini.

But the Villagers, as they always do, stuck to their task and, eventually, a breakthrough was made at first change - this time by overseas legend (his own words) Conway, bowling Fisher's opener Bal for 40. Despite his reluctance to bowl (one presumes he'd left the sandpaper back in the garage), and his uncanny resemblance to Agent Smith from The Matrix, the Antipodean was tidy with the red pill and returned healthy figures of 5-0-27-1.

The Family Law soon took up from either end, with the younger of the "brothers" proving to be the more expensive. Big Daddy Law showed good line and surprising pace for an old man and was unlucky not to be rewarded with a wicket. And such is the way it goes in this game we love so much. One person can bowl so well for no reward, then someone comes on and bowls absolute piss and takes a wicket. Some say that the familiar smell of shit from the sewage end increased dramatically when Meier came on to bowl, some say it was just a happy coincidence. Still, wickets are wickets however they are taken, and Meier was grateful to have the Fisher's substitute fielder, Gold, in the deep to take the catch. God knows if it had been a Villager you could have bet your house and your wife's knickers on it being dropped.

Boundaries followed dropped catches followed boundaries as the Village toiled in the field, their inconsistency matched only by the very changeable weather. Taylor took a particularly nasty blow to the wanking hand resulting in some more impressive swelling than he is used to. However, it speaks volumes of the man that he refused to be withdrawn from the firing line and continued to toil away at mid-on. Both opening bowlers were rewarded in their second spells - Brown taking a well-deserved caught and bowled, and Ellis effecting a nice catch by Conway. An enterprising run out by the returning 'keeper Cavanagh on the final ball of the innings did add a little shine to a less than impressive performance in the field. You can roll a turd in glitter, but it still smells of ass… St. John's Fishers finished on 209-6 from their 35 overs and tea was taken.

After a healthy lunch of curiously sweaty pork products, small chocolate niblets, crusty bread and that most middle-class of sandwich spreads a smoked mackerel pate (shouts to Taylor for that pot of deliciousness), the IVCC opening pair took to the middle to face the wily Walmsley and the unerringly consistent Warren. FCA was the first to fall, edging behind, with Meier playing on soon after. Conway struck some lusty blows before playing all around the only straight one by the matronly Nurse; and Warren's gentle outswing sent Timmy Ellis back to the hutch before he'd troubled the scorers. Mark Law drew on all his experience from during the Blitz in 1941 and offered up plucky resistance, scoring a well-crafted 30 before offering up a simple catch to the only member of the opposition likely to keep a hold of it. Law's choice of black Sketchers proving only marginally controversial.

Taylor was promoted up the order to 6 and was quickly off the mark, guiding one outside off for a hastily-run 2.. As his time at the crease continued, he grew in confidence and was soon regularly finding the middle - one on-drive for 4 was particularly easy on the eye. But we were always behind the run rate and when Taylor was bowled for 15, the target looked increasingly out of reach. Cav looked strong in the middle despite this being the first time he'd picked up a bat in 11 months, but was unlucky to continually find the fieldsman at cow corner before eventually being bowled. Matty Law was caught soon after for 1. The youngster, Brown, played some attractive strokes before he was bowled, leaving Meier and Cable-Alexander to briefly resume their earlier innings until CA was run out/not run out/run out and also spooned to mid-wicket, proving that you can be out 3 times in one innings, and leaving the Villagers high and dry on 146 all out.

Our massive thanks should be offered to the opposition who ensured that another game was played in a great spirit. We so enjoy our games against Fishers as they are always so much bloody fun. Saffer Watson, for example, is a stand and deliver type of batsman, favouring smashing boundaries and drowning cans of Fosters whilst being hand-delivered bhajis at the crease instead of running singles. This man is the very epitome of the foundations of which our club was founded, and we doff our collective cap to his majesty. We very much look forward to facing them in a few weeks whilst on tour. It would be great if we could put in a performance and finally get a win over them, but when cricket is this much fun the outcome is but a minor side note.

Ali Meier 16 June 2018

*at the time of writing