Match report

On this humid, overcast Sunday, the Village made the not inconsiderable journey to Great Missenden in the heart of the Chilterns for a maiden match against the team known as The Pelicans. A sign at the gate informed the visitors that cricket had been played here at Nag’s Head Meadow since 1901: so long ago that even Mark Law wasn’t born yet.

IVCC had been oversubscribed for this fixture earlier in the week, so naturally by Saturday evening they were facing the prospect of taking to the field a man down: Garr pulled out his little black book and recruited Abingdon clubmate Mike Hawthorne for a second run-out in the blue-and-yellow. I’m not really sure who won the toss, but Captain Bill returned from the middle in his glorious salmon pink t-shirt to inform his troops that they would be getting first dig on what looked like a dry, flat pitch. With the outfield looking arid and the boundaries short, a run-fest would surely abound.

Mr Chairman had forgotten to put on his big boy pants that morning and requested that he go down the order, leaving Iffley’s token Aussie Sam Conway to partner Fergus against the new cherry. The new partnership was not without teething issues, with Ferg making a pitch for a fascinating new YouTube series called “The Angry Cricket Coach” (Episode 1: How To Call), but the opening couple of overs passed without incident, aside from the odd ball keeping a little low.

Ferg soon unfurled a Bell-esque drive to the extra cover fence before riding his luck with a couple of wild flashes to third man. Sam meanwhile was unusually circumspect, although he did punish a wayward delivery from Frank (“as in Ann”) with a mean topspin forehand to long-off. With the score on 25 after 5 overs and IVCC boasting an impressive-looking batting line-up, 200+ looked on the cards. But that all changed in the 6th over when Sam (5) inside-edged onto his stumps from Walters. If only Sam had made the same kind of contact with the ball as he did with the pitch as he petulantly slammed his bat into the turf, his stumps would not have been in danger.

Sam’s dismissal saw Olly Ross marching to the middle. The pitch had started to show a couple of signs of misbehaving already, and within seconds of entering the fray, Olly had to fend off a couple of balls from around his nipples. The car park end in particular was offering venomous bounce off a length, and Walters also tested Ferg’s reflexes with a couple of lifters into the Fyfieldian’s ribcage.

With the ball starting to hop around at one end, the Village batsmen started to retreat to their crease, and it is perhaps no surprise that a succession of players were castled by Frank who found great zip (and very little bounce) from the railway end. Ferg played on for a typically graceful 25, and before long there was a flurry of activity in the away dressing room as players scrambled for pads (and helmets): Ben (0), Ali (4) and Dickie (0) all followed in quick-time as Frank caused havoc and sent the Iffley middle-order searching for an attic hideaway.

Any concerns of a catastrophic collapse would surely be allayed by the sight of IVCC’s two premier batsman at the crease together. Are there any more reassuring sights than the Ross cover drive (with pose held) or the skipper’s trademark bum-wiggle as he takes his guard? Olly seemed to be dealing with the menace in the pitch admirably and even found time for several typically lavish shots through the covers, while Bill was straight into the action with his busy running between the wickets and aggressive calling.

Just as the away side were starting to relax and enjoy the prospect of another big Ross-Smith partnership, Olly (19) was undone by the pitch, with change bowler Rahmann getting one to stay low and pin him in front. Garr marched out to the middle, confident he could cope with the wicket having batted for an hour in similar conditions the day before; Garr (0) marched back to the pavilion having had a horrible swipe at Rehman, and for the second time in two days walked past Mike on the walk back, advising his team mate to “not do that”.

Mike (8) looked assured against both Rehman and Kankate, with a lovely clipped four on the leg-side a surprise highlight for a man who usually scores the weight of his runs over extra cover. Unfortunately for him, he was triggered by Ferg after Rehman wrapped him on the pad. Extraordinarily, Ferg was recording the delivery on his phone in “slow-mo” mode and elected to perform a DRS review. Thankfully, DRS reviews in professional matches are not performed with 11 fielders surrounding the umpire and cheerfully telling him that he definitely got it right, but unfortunately for Mike, the third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth and thirteenth umpires all agreed with Ferg’s original decision, so he had to continue his walk back to the hutch. You can judge for yourself by watching the video; personally I can understand why it was given in real-time, but on review it looks to be sliding down leg given the bowler's wide angle on the crease and the line of the impact in front of middle-and-leg...

Daylight (0) came and went first ball, and appearing to be under the impression that we were playing back garden-style “you can’t be out first ball” rules, tried to stand his ground despite having his off stump knocked back. And so out walked last man Will, with the score on 94-9 and the prospect of an early finish and a chance to get in the pub before tea beckoning. Bill made the sensible decision that now was the time to tee off and attacked both bowlers with vigour, finding the boundary with ease. But the shot of the day came from the bat of Taylor, who smashed Kankate past mid-off for four to the delight of the spectators.

Bill eventually nicked-off to Rehman for 49, and was left rueing a missed second run earlier in the same over that would have taken him to a seventh IVCC half-century, and the visitors ended their go on 129 from 26.5 overs. On a difficult wicket, this looked a competitive total: the 10th wicket partnership of 35 and Bill’s excellent knock could prove invaluable.

During tea we were treated to the opportunity to further the Cheese Education Of Ben Davis (Episode 2: Paneer), and Garr suffered the trauma of dropping the icing from his coffee cake on the floor: truly tragic stuff.

Bill elected to open the bowling with two of the Abingdon troop, with Garr waddling in from the railway end and Mike bowling his accurate seam off two paces from the car park end. The pitch immediately proved as helpful for the Village as it did for the Pelicans, and Garr relished the chance to bang the ball in and get it through to Ben at chest height.

Ironically enough, with the wicket providing plenty of menace, it was a rank full toss that provided the first breakthrough, with Rehman spooning a bollock-height ball from Garr that Daylight swallowed with the same efficiency he usually reserves for his pre-match pork pie. In the very next over, Nichols could only slice a length ball from Mike into the air and into the grateful mitts of Olly at cover.

A period of attrition followed, with Rollington and Jeffrey digging in against the miserly Village bowling. Mike in particular was proving hard to get away, returning remarkable figures of 10-4-17-1 - his opening spell of 8 overs only cost 9 runs. He came close to picking up a couple more wickets, but an unnamed fielder at slip was unable to cling on to two sharp chances.

It took a sustained spell of pressure from Ross and Berry to bring the next wickets, and both went to The Radley Ravi, who bowled Rollington all ends-up before pinning Jeffrey with one that kept low.

Number 5 Fairweather made heavy weather of a Daylight straight ball and was back in the pavillion for 1, and Great Missenden were 5 down with the target a long way away still. The visitors started to relax, perhaps feeling victory was inevitable, but didn’t reckon with the fight and shot-making of Harris (18), Rehman Senior (24) and Kankate (21). Harris was castled by Daylight, but the following partnership between Rehman and Kankate looked like it might have the legs to take the home side over the line. A sharp chance went down off the typically accurate bowling of Dickie - would it cost the visitors?

According to Wikipedia, pelican populations are in decline as a result of habitat destruction, disturbance and environmental pollution: after this match, someone will need to add Bill Smith’s bowling to this list. The skipper immediately found the nasty spring off a length from the car park end and shook Rehman with a riser which struck a glancing blow to the batsman’s head. He donned a helmet and continued, but was understandably shaken, and it was no surprise when Olly scuttled him soon after he had been hit for a second time off the bowling of Mike (albeit on the arm).

Bill only bowled two overs, but picked up the wickets of Kankate (“caught” by Daylight at third man) and Patel (bowled) and blew the Missenden tail wide-open. Perhaps concerned that he might further endanger the pelican species, Bill pulled himself off and then took himself out of the attack. It was left to Ross to take a sharp return catch to dismiss Frank and wrap up a 14 run victory.

Given the state of the match at about 3.15pm, this was a surprisingly exciting and close game, played in great spirit by both sides. Hopefully Iffley Village will return to Great Missenden to resume their efforts in pelican conservation in 2019.

David Attenborough was unavailable for comment.