Match report

What follows is the Parable of the Lack of Match Practice.

A ragtag congregation of IVCC faithfuls combined with a pair of ringers assembled at the church of Wolvercote to worship at the altar of cricket this holy Tuesday. It had been some time since many of these faces had joined together in crusade, and once bread was broken and acquaintances re-stablished, the skipper – our spiritual leader and guru – informed us we would be fielding. Unlike the Big Guy upstairs, Bill had but one commandment: go well. The hot sun bore down on us with unaccustomed ferocity, and one felt rather sympathetic towards that man Jesus’ 40-day vigil in the desert many, many innings ago.

Vicar Trinder (D) opened his sermon from the Burning Bush End with a dot ball! What a start. Class is permanent. Or so we thought….; the next ball gleefully dispatched for 4. With 8 taken from the first over, it was time to see what miracles choirboy Ellis (T) could conjure up from the Car Park End. A dot ball! Class is permanent. Or so we thought….; the next ball a huge wide. A few more followed, interspersed with a couple of boundaries, and the Villagers were under the cosh already. Dan’s second over was tidier with just the one boundary coming from it. Wolvercote’s openers took a liking to Tim’s Good Samarital offerings, however, and his second over was brutally dispatched to the ropes with some devastating hitting. Much to Tim’s credit, he did resurrect himself for a third over and eventually found some decent line and length from somewhere.

Like the prodigal son returned from Aberystwyth, George replaced Tim and, despite a costly first over, soon found the right flight and guile to start troubling the batters. His father at the other end was probing well too – unlucky to see two balls in succession fly straight to the hands of the one fielder who really wasn’t in the mood for catching. The first one stung FCA’s palms at head height, the second one a little lower, but the result the same. FCA took the Lord’s name in vain under his breath and retreated to patrol the boundaries and lick his wounds, laying the blame squarely at the feet of the suncream slathered on shortly before the game commenced. The batters both retired after hitting their 30s (runs, not age).

In a surprise move, Ali was tossed the ball to replace Dan, despite having bowled some dreadful dross in the nets beforehand that would make even Judas Iscariot himself feel ashamed. And when his first two deliveries were wides, one could be forgiven for questioning the skipper’s life choices. But one’s faith in the skipper should ne’er be questioned, and Ali somehow managed to bowl relatively straight for 3 overs for a paltry 20 runs with only 2 boundaries scored.

With the captain leading his flock like Noah leading the animals into the Ark, he made another leftfield choice and tossed the ball to the Man from Down Under to replace George. Sam isn’t asked to bowl very often (in total for IVCC, he has bowled 35 overs for 249 runs with only 6 wickets taken) but, as ever, he took to the task with his usual undaunted spirit and Antipodean vigour. Bowling very much like he might should his grandmother be batting, he tossed up a bevvy of deliveries that were so slow that one could make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem in the time it took for his ahem balls to drop. But drop they did! And the new batter was tempted, much like Eve was in the Garden of Eden. And reach up to pluck Sam’s delicious fruit from the sky he did. And fail terribly he did, and his stumps lay akimbo and he was out for a golden duck, and all those around him rejoiced. Sam continued to turn us all into believers as he tempted another batter into a big hoik’n’miss and Ben – taking one into the gloves for a change – swiftly stumping him when he was way out of his ground. Not content with 2, Conway’s holy trinity was duly delivered unto him as Wolvercote’s #9’s legs parted like the Red Sea, and he was also bowled.

Attilio also started well with two perfect deliveries just outside off, tempting the batter into some unholy playing and missing. Tils’ second over was less blessed, and a barrage of short balls, beamers full tosses and wide ones were served up for the batter to feast on. And feast he did, as if it was the Last Supper and they were running out of chicken nuggets. A tight run out chance for Ali, and a tough drop behind the stumps for Ben too, resulted in nothing. Zilch. Zero. No room at the inn. But still the Villagers marched on regardless. There was time for a cameo from Bill at the end; the sight of his flowing ginger mane and distinctive windmill bowling action certainly had a whiff of the Son of God (who was himself – by all accounts – a fine spin bowler and useful lower order batter) about it. Bill duly notched up a clean bowled and Wolvercote’s 20 overs were done – 213 divine runs scored.

Brimming with his usual confidence, Sam opened the batting and had the Villager’s hearts in their mouths as he cut straight to the man at point only to see the chance put down with similar generosity that FCA had served up in the first innings. Samuel dispatched the next ball for 4, and indeed 14 were plundered and pillaged off the first over and we were briefly ahead of the run rate. IVCC smelled something. Was it an unlikely victory or just Ben’s underpants? Time would tell.

Speaking of FCA, he partnered Sam in the middle and caressed his first ball through extra cover for 4 with typical style. If ex-Bond Roger Moore ever played cricket, I suspect he did it very much like FCA – all languid style and debonair flicks of neatly-coiffured hair, and a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips as he gently fondled a cover drive or two. The much-maligned but oft-underrated Chinese cut followed soon after, but in the third over Fergal edged a rising delivery to the keeper and off he trudged, like a prostitute cast out from the temples of Judea. As the Villagers quenched their thirst on the sidelines (with water sadly not turned to wine), FCA rustled up a sorry-looking supermarket bap. Hungry eyes looked on with envy, hoping perhaps that he could turn these few fishes and loaves into a feast to feed 5000. Stomachs remained empty and as unfulfilled as a vicar’s lust, however, and the game continued afoot.

Sam continued to cut and thrust with power alongside Beefcake Ben. Big hits were despatched to various parts of the boundary ropes, the sound off the bat sounding remarkably like the reassuring crack of a wooden paddle resounding off a rosy-cheeked arse. But I digress… Sam retired with 36 and Ben with 30. Two new disciples in Jacob and Stu batted next, but neither troubled the scorer much, sadly, despite their best efforts (thank you for playing, lads!), and The Village fell further behind the run rate.

As the sun died slowly behind the treeline, the sight of the skipper’s customary bum wiggle was a sight to behold. Eager to get things moving, he hit two big boundaries before being bowled by an unholy nip-backer. If there’s one batsman you want coming in to accelerate the scoreline quickly and give a team a whiff of a run chase, it is definitely NOT Ali. But a delicious cut for 4 gave onlookers hope. A series of singles followed to quickly diminish that hope. Despite Tils and Ali combining well, with singles aplenty peppered with a few boundaries, the target remained as far away as ever. One glorious moment saw Ali and Tils run a risky 2, with the ball flung in from the boundary to the keeper and a close run-out appealed for. The square leg umpire, however, was preoccupied on his phone, completely oblivious to everything around him and the anguished appeals from the fielding side. Not FCA’s finest day on the cricket pitch, I’m sure even he would agree.

Tils was out for 10, and with 3 balls of the innings left, Ali was bowled swiping across the line bringing Dan ‘Dennis Waterman’ Trinder to be mindful in the middle. “Don’t bother padding up, George”, the Prophet said. Dennis was bowled first ball. Enough said. Hands were shaken, and Iffley were 59 short of their target which, given the lack of any sort of practice (Bill’s email about pre-season nets is still incoming, I am assured!), is nothing short of a miracle.

God bless you all.

Ali

Chairman 18 June 2025